Food.

I've spent more time in the kitchen the last 2 days than I have pretty much all summer. It all started when I decided to try out my first frozen dinner. Last week I bought chicken breasts and put them in a freezer bag with a pepper lime marinade and popped them in the freezer.

Tuesday night, I put them in the fridge to thaw, and they were ready to go on the grill by dinner. They actually turned out really good. Plus, it helps to have TJ - a.k.a master chicken griller - to help. Seriously, he's awesome at grilling chicken.

On Thursday TJ and I went to Greenbluff to do some apple picking. Of course, I had to make an apple pie.

And for dinner, I finally got to try out my new pizza stone. Let me tell you, it makes a huge difference. I think it's the best pizza we've made, and we've tried so many different pizza crust recipes.

As long as I have the desire to cook, I'm going to keep doing it. Knowing me, I'm sure it won't take long before we're eating grilled cheese for dinner again...

wide awake at 5am

I woke up a little over a half-hour ago and I knew I wouldn't be falling back to sleep anytime soon. I snuggled with Ingrid a bit before turning off the air conditioner that we had mistakenly turned on after a 90 degree day, forgetting that the temperature would drop nearly 50 degrees overnight, and then fought with my desire to sleep, and knowing that I should stay awake.

So I threw on a jacket, poured myself a glass of orange juice, and went in the living room and prayed. I think that's why God woke me up this morning. I pack my day so full of stuff, that I never seem to leave time or energy to talk to God. Which is so foolish, considering what's been going on lately.

Is it just me, or does it seem like sickness, cancer, and impending death is everywhere these days? Is it the time of life that I'm in? Is this usual? Because if it is, I don't like it much.

Without getting too personal or something, I'm flying home next week to spend time with my Grandpas (yes, that's plural) who both are going through some tough health battles. It was almost surreal last night when I was booking my flight. Knowing what I was going back for, but not really understanding what is happening. It's easy to feel disconnected when I live so far away.

At the same time though, it's definitely not just my family who's struggling through sickness. In the last two weeks, my friend's g-ma had a small stroke, my pastor's wife was in the hospital, another friend's mom was diagnosed with cancer, a member of our old church is going through chemotherapy, and my old high school professor who has been battling pancreatic cancer for the last 15 months is receiving hospice care. It's really overwhelming.

So when I was praying this morning, it wasn't just for my family.

I know that God is the healer and comforter, and no matter how he chooses to work all of this out, I trust that God is good and good will come from it. Even if it causes me pain.

As my Grandpa said, "A time to laugh, a time to cry, a time to live, a time to die."

a DQ sort of day

I decided that I'm going to get a blizzard today. My favorite is the reese's peanut butter cup. Sometimes I like cookie dough. but today it will definitely be reese's.

a little aaron espe

I read that Jesus walked the stormy sea and he pulled Peter up
Said, Man you gotta believe me
And he shared with his disciples
Said, Here's how to be free
If you asked me I'd say most days
I totally agree
But right now I can't pray, I don't feel like talking to God
I need somebody out there with a little skin on them

Hmm Mmm-mm-mmm

When I read that story I heard thunder everywhere
I could hear that boat crashing on the waves
The bow is in the air
And I have respect for Peter who had faith enough to dare
Step out onto the water
While all the others stared
And when hell is on your back,
Sometimes you think you got strength and you say,
Hey Lord, save me, I'm drownin' out here!

But I'm caught somewhere between Faith and Doubt
And I feel like I'm never going to find my way back outta here.

Last night I felt free just like I was a kid
So I layed in the grass and thought of all the things I did
When I didn't know of pressure it was easy to forgive
You didnt have to be perfect
Not in my neighborhood
I don't know what year things became so unclear but I'm still here.
But I'm caught somewhere between Faith and Doubt
And I feel like I'll never find my way back outta here.

This is the song I quoted from earlier today. I just thought I'd share.

mac or pc?

Ingrid is a mac, not a pc.

noticing a pattern

"I'm caught somewhere between faith and doubt and I feel like I'll never find my way out of here..." ~ Aaron Espe

I was thinking about the last few posts I wrote that were about God and faith and stuff like that, and I realized that they were pretty much all downers. Not much rejoicing and encouragement coming from me, that's for sure!

And I just thought it was time that I explained myself a little bit, in case you're all thinking that I'm losing my faith or falling away from God or something like that.

First of all, I just want to say that I think sometimes God calls to do certain things, and maybe at the time we chose to follow Him, we don't understand exactly why He wants us to do something or even the full weight of that decision. A few months ago, TJ and I left the church we grew up in. We knew God wanted us to leave. And when we made that decision, we had no idea how much pain and uncertainty would come from that and it definitely wasn't how I imagined it to be. But, we had peace. And we still do. I'm just saying it would have been a lot harder to follow God if He would have told us ahead of time all the struggles that would come with it.

So anyway, over the last year or so I've been wrestling quite a bit with what it means to follow Christ and how I'm suppose to live that out. TJ and I have been going through scripture on our own, and have come across some things that have forced us to think about issues that we never really had before.

And honestly, it's been hard. I wasn't ever taught to critically think, or that it was ever really okay to question God. Or even just admit at times that I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. So after we left the church, I found myself with the overwhelming weight of making my faith my own. And it's weighty. It really is! I think I always used the church body as a crutch, or a safety net. I'm not saying everybody does that. I'm saying I did. So when God took that from me, took away my false security, it was scary. But I'm glad He did it, because it's been forcing me to go to Him.

Overall, I think what is hardest for me to handle is to go from feeling like I know everything about being a christian, to realizing that I actually know nothing. And I'm truly starting over.

So thank you all for bearing with me and my posts that are filled with doubt and questioning. But I do believe that God is good, and He will not leave me in this fog forever.

while i was at work tonight...

I watched the biggest loser.

I have never seen the show before. At least not more than parts of episodes here and there. Something about using people who are overweight as entertainment never really sat right with me.

With that said, I did watched it tonight. And. I. cried. I literally bawled. I cried when the one woman shared how her husband and two children died in a car accident. I cried when one woman said her mother was a heroin addict. I cried when one guy found out he had type 2 diabetes. And I cried during the first and weigh in and then again (happy tears) during the weigh in when they lost their first pounds.

This show totally got me tonight. And, I'm not even kidding you when I say that before the show was going to start I was going to make cookies, and surprise, I never ended up making them.

*And by the way... the child I was working with was asleep, and I was doing my paperwork and cleaning during the show, so I was technically working. =)