"I'm caught somewhere between faith and doubt and I feel like I'll never find my way out of here..." ~ Aaron Espe
I was thinking about the last few posts I wrote that were about God and faith and stuff like that, and I realized that they were pretty much all downers. Not much rejoicing and encouragement coming from me, that's for sure!
And I just thought it was time that I explained myself a little bit, in case you're all thinking that I'm losing my faith or falling away from God or something like that.
First of all, I just want to say that I think sometimes God calls to do certain things, and maybe at the time we chose to follow Him, we don't understand exactly why He wants us to do something or even the full weight of that decision. A few months ago, TJ and I left the church we grew up in. We knew God wanted us to leave. And when we made that decision, we had no idea how much pain and uncertainty would come from that and it definitely wasn't how I imagined it to be. But, we had peace. And we still do. I'm just saying it would have been a lot harder to follow God if He would have told us ahead of time all the struggles that would come with it.
So anyway, over the last year or so I've been wrestling quite a bit with what it means to follow Christ and how I'm suppose to live that out. TJ and I have been going through scripture on our own, and have come across some things that have forced us to think about issues that we never really had before.
And honestly, it's been hard. I wasn't ever taught to critically think, or that it was ever really okay to question God. Or even just admit at times that I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. So after we left the church, I found myself with the overwhelming weight of making my faith my own. And it's weighty. It really is! I think I always used the church body as a crutch, or a safety net. I'm not saying everybody does that. I'm saying I did. So when God took that from me, took away my false security, it was scary. But I'm glad He did it, because it's been forcing me to go to Him.
Overall, I think what is hardest for me to handle is to go from feeling like I know everything about being a christian, to realizing that I actually know nothing. And I'm truly starting over.
So thank you all for bearing with me and my posts that are filled with doubt and questioning. But I do believe that God is good, and He will not leave me in this fog forever.
2 comments:
Hey Andrea! I think about you and TJ lots and pray that things are going well for you. I understand and know where you are coming from with the making your faith your own. When you have always had something, we often lose sight of what it really means and how it impacts your life.
I think it's important to note that we shouldn't question God. A big part about faith is trusting that what God is doing is happening for a higher reason. That doesn't mean we shouldn't dig into the Bible and try to understand His Word. But always reminding outselves that we can't understand fully what He wants because we can't rid ourselves of the Old Man.
I pray that as you continue to search, you come to a peace!
Blessings on your weekend!
Jennifer
Hey Jenn!
Thank you so much! And you're right, it is important to trust God. Though I admit, easier said than done! I think what I meant to imply was wrestling with God - with understanding who He really is and what He desires for us. But even in that, like you said, there will be things we never understand! But I don't think my desire to understand will ever change either.
Thanks again for your thoughts and prayers.
I hope all is going well for you in Middleton!
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