I started writing this awhile ago...

(Picture taken from here)

To try and sum up the last month in a few words is nearly impossible. My life has been complete chaos. But in the midst of everything, God has given me moments of pure joy and peace, and has blessed me in so many ways.

For example, a few Sundays ago, our church had their children's program (which was AMAZING, to say the least...) It is so clear to me why Jesus said that we ought to be like little children.

TJ had the opportunity to arrange the hymn "Oh, Come Emmanuel" with a few friends and play it in church. It was so incredible to be able to see TJ using his voice and musical talent to glorify God. The arrangement was beautiful and so worshipful... I wish I could have recorded it.

Work has been great. Between my coworkers and the kids I work for, it's almost like another family. It seems that after I crossed the 1 year mark, things became more comfortable.

We moved to a new apartment. For just a small increase in rent we were able to get another room, a washer in dryer in the apartment (yay! no more laundromats!), windows that work, hot water that lasts more than 10 minutes, a dishwasher, garbage disposal, and natural sunlight... so wonderful!

So since all this has happened, I now sit at the beginning of 2010 and wonder what in the world God is going to do this year.

I have a few resolutions in mind... but I'll save that for another time.

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and New Years!

RUN LIKE HELL!

That's exactly what TJ and his sister did.

Three weeks ago, we drove to Portland with TJ's sister and her husband for the RUN LIKE HELL half-marathon. We planned a little extra time into our trip to do a little mini-tour of Portland... but I'll talk about that some other time.

What was so fun about this race, was that it was halloween themed. And what do you get when you mix halloween with a race? Entertainment! I could not believe the crazy outfits people wore. And not only wore, but RAN in! I saw batman, superman, mario, cavemen, numerous guys dressed as girls, guys wearing suits, wonder woman, nurses, prom queens, gorillas, care bears... you name it, people ran in it.

My personal favorite had to be the guy dressed as Fred Flinstone. HE RAN BARE FOOTED! And he was pulling his two kids in one of those kids bicycle trailers that he strapped around his chest. Can you imagine running 13.1 miles like that???? Here's a picture to prove it...

But I digress. Back to TJ and his sister. They both did AMAZING! Their times were well under 2 hours and they both finished strong. We hope to be able to go again next year, and get my little niece in the kids 'Run Like Heck 1/2 mile Run'. And who knows, maybe I'll do a little running too...

Here they are before the race. Yes, it was that dark!

TJ- running strong to the finish

After the race!

my new friend

I have lived in Spokane for just over a year now. In 2 weeks I'll have been at my job for a year. And today, I made my very first Spokane friend.

And she's seven.

Okay, so maybe she's not my very first Spokane friend, but she's the first one to invite me over to her house!

It was really quite wonderful.

I don't know what it is, but I always seem to hit it off with kids, elderly, and developmentally disabled. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, (I think they are some of the most beautiful people), but sometimes I wish I could connect better with people my own age. And the job I have now certainly isn't helping. I tend to forget how to have normal adult conversations when I spend all day talking about hermit crabs and poop, and communicating at a 5-year old level.

Sometimes I wonder if it's because of my own insecurities and fear of being known. I feel like I can be myself around those people and they won't judge me. They don't care if my grammar is bad, or if my shoes don't match my clothes, or whether or not I have all my ducks in a row. I guess I feel safe.

So now all I need to do is get over myself and not care so much about what others think. Easy, right? Then I'll make some grown up friends. And it probably wouldn't hurt if I read some books with big words and tried to expand my vocabulary...

comfort music

It's kind of like comfort food...but minus the calories.

To me, comfort music is what I listen to when I just need something familiar during a time of change. It's music that I don't have to think about. It's music that I never seem to get tired of, even if I put it away for a season. And the sound of it usually brings me back to a different time in my life. Today, I need some comfort music.

So I think I'm going to pull out Enter the Worship Circle - Chair and Microphone I and III, make myself some tea, finish baking a couple of cakes, and head over to the JW coffee shop for some good conversation and knitting.

What's your comfort music?

a little explanation

After getting a text from a very loving and concerned friend (thanks Danille!) asking if I was okay, I thought I'd better explain what exactly happened today.

At the gym I go to, they offer two classes in a row. On days when I'm feeling ambitious, I'll do both. Other days I pick one depending on my schedule or how lazy I feel. When I woke up this morning, I was planning on doing both, but after I got home from work I had convinced myself that since I had such an exhausting work weekend (50 hours in 4 days...) I would nap, and then do one class.

I checked what classes were going on tonight and the first one was a cardio class and the second one was a class called Abs n' Booty (Awesome, right?). Soooo... being that I did not feeling like exerting too much energy, I chose the Abs n' Booty class.

So I enjoyed a nice little nap, dragged myself out of bed and headed to the gym. When I got to there I discovered a room full of people who had just finished the cardio class, but nobody wanting to do Abs n' Booty. The trainer then offered me a free training session instead and I took him up on the offer.

He asked me if I wanted an intense cardio workout or a cardio with weights workout. I told him to pick and he chose the later. I had done this same workout with him when I first joined and I figured it wouldn't be a big deal.

I had made it through almost the entire workout. I had one exercise left to do. I think it was chest presses on one of the machines. I started feeling nauseous and stopped. He went to get me water and the next thing I know I'm on the floor!

Needless to say, I felt like a dork. And to think, I used to be afraid that I would biff it off the treadmill, but I never considered fainting.

Lesson learned today: Breathe while exercising!

note to self:

passing out at the gym is not cool.

thoughtless and exhausted

Being the state that I'm in, it's probably not the best time to write, but... what the heck!

I just got done pulling back-to-back doubles at work + a regular 8 hour shift this morning, and I'm beyond tired. Emotionally and physically.

But there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I have 3 days off IN A ROW this week. And I am pumped.

So what's on my never ending to-do list this week?

#1. Get a Washington drivers license: This one is going to be hard for me to do. I'm really quite fond of my Wisconsin one. And sometimes part of me feels like I'm just on a very long vacation (while having a job and paying rent) and any day now I'll head back home. So getting a Washington drivers license sort of kills that fantasy.

#2. Get a Washington license plate: *see above*. And my tabs expire this month. I really don't have a choice on this one.

#3. Go to Greenbluff!: Greenbluff is a neat little farming community outside of Spokane. I've probably mentioned it before, but it doesn't hurt to repeat myself! Anyway, it is definitely apple picking season and I can't get enough of it. Last week I went there with one of the kiddos I work with and I happened upon the Empire Apple. And it is fantastic! And while I was there, I really super badly wanted a caramel apple, but by the time we had picked the apples and paid for them, the kiddo was DONE. So a caramel apple is a must this time. And cider. Mmm...

#4. Polka Dot Pottery: I painted pottery for the first time last winter with a bunch of really talented, swell gals. And ever since I've had the itch to go back. But this time I'm bringing TJ, and we're going to paint mugs. Fall and Winter are perfect seasons for drinking hot drinks out of mugs and we both loved the idea of custom painting our own. I'll post pictures of the finish products. Well... maybe.

#5. CRAFT SOMETHING: I haven't decided if I want to sew, scrapbook, or knit. (Geez...I never thought this would be a dilemma for me!) But something will get done. Or started.

I could add at least 25 more things to this list, but I learned in college (one of the 3 things I learned) that when it comes to making goals, it's best to ... Keep It Simple Stupid! And since over half of my list is pretty much stuff I want to do, I really shouldn't have a problem following through.

2 years and 1 day

That is how long TJ and I have been married. It's crazy. When I pictured myself being married for 2 years, I also pictured a stable career, knowing where we were going to settle down, and possibly a kid. So yeah. I was way off.

But I'm okay with that. I really like where we are. It's way better than my original little idealistic plan. I can look back over the different experiences we've had, (too many to name), and see how God used all of them to shape us, unify us, and pull us to him.

Bad news though. I had a goal to get all of our wedding pictures in an album by our anniversary, but I failed. I could make excuses, but I won't. Instead, I'll just share some of my favorite pictures with you, and shoot to have them in an album by our 3 year anniversary instead. That should be enough time...

Food.

I've spent more time in the kitchen the last 2 days than I have pretty much all summer. It all started when I decided to try out my first frozen dinner. Last week I bought chicken breasts and put them in a freezer bag with a pepper lime marinade and popped them in the freezer.

Tuesday night, I put them in the fridge to thaw, and they were ready to go on the grill by dinner. They actually turned out really good. Plus, it helps to have TJ - a.k.a master chicken griller - to help. Seriously, he's awesome at grilling chicken.

On Thursday TJ and I went to Greenbluff to do some apple picking. Of course, I had to make an apple pie.

And for dinner, I finally got to try out my new pizza stone. Let me tell you, it makes a huge difference. I think it's the best pizza we've made, and we've tried so many different pizza crust recipes.

As long as I have the desire to cook, I'm going to keep doing it. Knowing me, I'm sure it won't take long before we're eating grilled cheese for dinner again...

wide awake at 5am

I woke up a little over a half-hour ago and I knew I wouldn't be falling back to sleep anytime soon. I snuggled with Ingrid a bit before turning off the air conditioner that we had mistakenly turned on after a 90 degree day, forgetting that the temperature would drop nearly 50 degrees overnight, and then fought with my desire to sleep, and knowing that I should stay awake.

So I threw on a jacket, poured myself a glass of orange juice, and went in the living room and prayed. I think that's why God woke me up this morning. I pack my day so full of stuff, that I never seem to leave time or energy to talk to God. Which is so foolish, considering what's been going on lately.

Is it just me, or does it seem like sickness, cancer, and impending death is everywhere these days? Is it the time of life that I'm in? Is this usual? Because if it is, I don't like it much.

Without getting too personal or something, I'm flying home next week to spend time with my Grandpas (yes, that's plural) who both are going through some tough health battles. It was almost surreal last night when I was booking my flight. Knowing what I was going back for, but not really understanding what is happening. It's easy to feel disconnected when I live so far away.

At the same time though, it's definitely not just my family who's struggling through sickness. In the last two weeks, my friend's g-ma had a small stroke, my pastor's wife was in the hospital, another friend's mom was diagnosed with cancer, a member of our old church is going through chemotherapy, and my old high school professor who has been battling pancreatic cancer for the last 15 months is receiving hospice care. It's really overwhelming.

So when I was praying this morning, it wasn't just for my family.

I know that God is the healer and comforter, and no matter how he chooses to work all of this out, I trust that God is good and good will come from it. Even if it causes me pain.

As my Grandpa said, "A time to laugh, a time to cry, a time to live, a time to die."

a DQ sort of day

I decided that I'm going to get a blizzard today. My favorite is the reese's peanut butter cup. Sometimes I like cookie dough. but today it will definitely be reese's.

a little aaron espe

I read that Jesus walked the stormy sea and he pulled Peter up
Said, Man you gotta believe me
And he shared with his disciples
Said, Here's how to be free
If you asked me I'd say most days
I totally agree
But right now I can't pray, I don't feel like talking to God
I need somebody out there with a little skin on them

Hmm Mmm-mm-mmm

When I read that story I heard thunder everywhere
I could hear that boat crashing on the waves
The bow is in the air
And I have respect for Peter who had faith enough to dare
Step out onto the water
While all the others stared
And when hell is on your back,
Sometimes you think you got strength and you say,
Hey Lord, save me, I'm drownin' out here!

But I'm caught somewhere between Faith and Doubt
And I feel like I'm never going to find my way back outta here.

Last night I felt free just like I was a kid
So I layed in the grass and thought of all the things I did
When I didn't know of pressure it was easy to forgive
You didnt have to be perfect
Not in my neighborhood
I don't know what year things became so unclear but I'm still here.
But I'm caught somewhere between Faith and Doubt
And I feel like I'll never find my way back outta here.

This is the song I quoted from earlier today. I just thought I'd share.

mac or pc?

Ingrid is a mac, not a pc.

noticing a pattern

"I'm caught somewhere between faith and doubt and I feel like I'll never find my way out of here..." ~ Aaron Espe

I was thinking about the last few posts I wrote that were about God and faith and stuff like that, and I realized that they were pretty much all downers. Not much rejoicing and encouragement coming from me, that's for sure!

And I just thought it was time that I explained myself a little bit, in case you're all thinking that I'm losing my faith or falling away from God or something like that.

First of all, I just want to say that I think sometimes God calls to do certain things, and maybe at the time we chose to follow Him, we don't understand exactly why He wants us to do something or even the full weight of that decision. A few months ago, TJ and I left the church we grew up in. We knew God wanted us to leave. And when we made that decision, we had no idea how much pain and uncertainty would come from that and it definitely wasn't how I imagined it to be. But, we had peace. And we still do. I'm just saying it would have been a lot harder to follow God if He would have told us ahead of time all the struggles that would come with it.

So anyway, over the last year or so I've been wrestling quite a bit with what it means to follow Christ and how I'm suppose to live that out. TJ and I have been going through scripture on our own, and have come across some things that have forced us to think about issues that we never really had before.

And honestly, it's been hard. I wasn't ever taught to critically think, or that it was ever really okay to question God. Or even just admit at times that I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. So after we left the church, I found myself with the overwhelming weight of making my faith my own. And it's weighty. It really is! I think I always used the church body as a crutch, or a safety net. I'm not saying everybody does that. I'm saying I did. So when God took that from me, took away my false security, it was scary. But I'm glad He did it, because it's been forcing me to go to Him.

Overall, I think what is hardest for me to handle is to go from feeling like I know everything about being a christian, to realizing that I actually know nothing. And I'm truly starting over.

So thank you all for bearing with me and my posts that are filled with doubt and questioning. But I do believe that God is good, and He will not leave me in this fog forever.

while i was at work tonight...

I watched the biggest loser.

I have never seen the show before. At least not more than parts of episodes here and there. Something about using people who are overweight as entertainment never really sat right with me.

With that said, I did watched it tonight. And. I. cried. I literally bawled. I cried when the one woman shared how her husband and two children died in a car accident. I cried when one woman said her mother was a heroin addict. I cried when one guy found out he had type 2 diabetes. And I cried during the first and weigh in and then again (happy tears) during the weigh in when they lost their first pounds.

This show totally got me tonight. And, I'm not even kidding you when I say that before the show was going to start I was going to make cookies, and surprise, I never ended up making them.

*And by the way... the child I was working with was asleep, and I was doing my paperwork and cleaning during the show, so I was technically working. =)

laundromat inspirations

My laundry has been in my car since Tuesday, the day I originally had planned to do laundry until I got majorly sidetracked. And lazy.

So today, I figured I had better do it, since I'm at the end of my 4 days off from work. Don't worry, I'm still getting my 40 hours in... it just took only 3 days.

While I'm waiting for my laundry to dry, I thought I'd better jot down some things that have been on my mind lately. Things I've been meaning to get done, and things I aspire to do in the next couple of months.

- Make my own frozen dinners: TJ and I both work second shift. It's great that we are on the same schedule, but the schedule we have isn't very conducive to having regular meal times and eating healthy. It might take some proactiveness on my part, but I think I can do it.

- Finish scrap booking our honeymoon: How long has it been since our honeymoon? Oh yeah, almost 2 years. I'm maybe about half way done. My goal was to get it done before we moved to Washington. Well that didn't happen. I'm not much of a scrap-booker, so if this is the only scrapbook I ever do, I will be happy. But I need to finish it!

- Put our wedding photos in an album: Again, this should have been done awhile ago. Our wedding photographer was awesome. But awesomeness comes with a price, and when it came down to it, we didn't want to pay the extra $300 for a custom album. I have all of the prints, I just have to buy an album and put the pictures in it. Really, this shouldn't be that difficult.

- Finish sewing my own grocery bags: I feel a little guiltier every time I go to the grocery store without reusable bags. So I've decided to make my own out of old sheets. I've finished with 3 of them, and I think I want to make 3 more with a few different sizes. Now remembering to bring them with me might be another challenge...

- Make Christmas gifts: I feel like every year I get older, I'm less creative with the gifts I buy for people, but the price seems to go up. So this year, I'm going to try and mix it up a bit. Maybe I should apologize ahead of time to those of you who will be receiving a Christmas gift from me.

My laundry is done drying now, so I think I'll leave the list at that.

what is obedience?

"God says, "Take one step to the left." And we go, 'That might be embarrassing. How about I run right at 100mph?" - Matt Chandler

Lately I've been wrestling with what it means to be obedient to God. I get frustrated with myself for focusing more on the 'big' decisions in life rather than seeing how God is calling me to be obedient to Him every day. Because for me, it's so much easier to push God away, ignore Him, and make excuses not to do the 'small' things He is calling me to. I mean, come on God, do I really need to pray now? I can call my sister later. What's that? You want me to actually do what I tell people I am going to do? Does really matter how I spend my money? Hold on God, I have to finish watching America's Next Top Model first. I know I got 9 hours of sleep last night and you want me to clean, but I really just need a nap right now. And how dare You ask me to not check facebook 34 times a day... (Get the picture?)

And so when I look at my life, I can see the really obvious ways I'm avoiding God - see above - but other times, when I look a little closer, I see how easy it is for me to ignore God by involving myself in seemingly harmless religious activity... listening to sermons, reading books about God, getting involved with different projects at church, going to church ... which none of these things are bad. In fact, they are all good.

But when God says, "Give me your heart. Let me break you. Let me heal you."And I say, "How about instead I go to church every Sunday, Listen to 3 sermons a week, get involved with as many groups and projects at church as I possibly can, and talk about You to my friends and family. Oh, and I also promise to read my Bible and pray more."

That is not obedience. That is me, running 100mph in the wrong direction.

Cabin Adventures: part 4- Family, Food, Fishing and ... Dogs?

My Gramma's husband, Ron, and my uncle Dave are both pretty handy in the kitchen. And when I say handy, I mean awesome. Since both of them were there, we never had a shortage of good food.

Did I mention that there was corn? I mean, lots and lots of corn? My mom was making us pledge ears because we had so much.

Ron's chicken tacos

My Uncle loves to fish. And he'll take anyone who wants to go. And he's patient, which is essential when anyone from my family wants to go fishing.

Casey is my mom's very loyal, semi-psychotic dog who made major strides during this vacation. She made her very first dog friend, Hannah.

Hannah was one of the neighbor's dogs who spent most of the time around our cabin. It might have had something to do with the fact we fed her sandwiches and eggs...

When we first got to the cabin, my aunt and Rach had gone to the shelter and came back with two dogs. We washed them in the lake, took them for a boat ride, went on a walk, and fed them before taking them back to shelter. And Rachel fell in love with this puppy and by the end of the week, decided to adopt her. And after spending 2 days going over hundreds of names, Rach decided on Tara.

And despite all the drama that comes with my family, I love them. And it's nice to be near them.

Cabin Adventures: part 3-Settlers of Catan

My family loves to play board games. Our new favorite game is called Settlers of Catan. I'm not any good at describing how to play games, but I can tell you that it is awesome.

things are getting intense

TJ had a little too much fun with the game pieces

Cabin Adventures: part 2- Water Skiing and Mamboing

When my family spends a week on a lake with a ski boat, it's inevitable that these two things are going to happen.

My Uncle Dave is the one who usually drives the boat. He has the highest success rate of flipping us.

That green raft is named Mambo.

TJ and Kevin

Me and Rach

Sporting the stylish life jackets

"Look Ma, I can ski!"

TJ's attempt to drop one of his skis.

Cabin Adventures: part 1- Noodling

For the past few years, my mom's side of the family has gone up to northern Minnesota in August, and spent a couple weeks at my uncle's lake home. As for myself, I've always spent summers working at least one job, and I've never stayed at the cabin more than 3 days. At least until now.

I picked TJ up at the airport on Wednesday, (after I had already been in Wisconsin for a week), and the next morning we left, not to leave the cabin until a week later. It was awesome.

A tradition that has been started is a little something called the 'Noodle 5000'. This is where someone will boat a bunch of us out into the middle of the lake, we grab a noodle, jump in, and swim all the way back to the cabin. The swim back to the cabin makes for some good family bonding time and the bonus of a little exercise.